I was going to do a post regarding my wonderful Valentine's weekend but that will have to wait till tomorrow as I forgot my camera cord at home and have tons of photos to post.
I've just been in such a foul mood lately and I have no idea why. I mean, I know I am an angry person by nature, though it can be hard to pinpoint the causes of these things. Sometimes I think I subconciously ache for all the hardships in my life, which can be unnerving since everyone has a sob story and there is always someone worse off than you. But growing up with my feet and facing the challenges I have faced with that regard, has been tough, no doubt. It's hard to want to be normal so badly and yet know deep down that that will never, EVER happen.
Sometimes I think I buy a lot of shoes because I am searching for something to make me feel normal, like everyone else. High Heels=hurt; I ache emotionally because I can not look sexy like everyone else, and if I wear them I ache physically because they kill my feet. Actually, considering my disability, I should be grateful that I don't have to wear orthopedic shoes. And I am, sometimes. But I am still angry most of the time.
Like right now. I'm angry because my feet are killing me. I am wearing a beautiful pair of Christian Louboutin heels. They aren't even high, maybe 3 inches. They are a gorgeous grey colour with very pointy toes. Yet, even though THEY SAY CL's are cut small, these are still way too big for me. My toes slide so far forward that my heel slips out with each step. I wobble as there is no hold back there. And no, even a million Foot Petals don't help, they just squeeze my toes together even more.
So I can't have nice shoes. These beautiful, expensive shoes mock me because I know I can never wear them and be confident. I have to worry about each step I take. So, other than today, they usually sit on my shelf where I can look at them and imagine what it would be like to have normal feet.
My feet must be the cause of a lot of my issues, but it's not all. I grew up with a brother whom I barely consider a brother. He has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of Autism, and also has a slew of other mental disorders. He got into drugs at 16, stole thousands of dollars and heirlooms from my me and my parents to buy money for cocaine, acid etc, he lived on the streets of Vancouver for years, panhandling for money for crack and booze. He destroyed my family. I used to hate him. Now I don't, I don't feel anything anymore. What I do feel is how his life destroys my poor mother who has had the worst possible childhood of anyone you can think of. It's not fair to anyone.
At 30, he is better now. He lives in a welfare sponsored apartment near my parents. He has a friend who takes care of him, who is now more like a brother to me than my brother is. But things aren't fine. He'll still look through my bag and take any money he can find and buy booze. He'll still trick doctors into giving him Ritalin, which he will then proceed to take all at once. He'll still get drunk, threaten someone, get arrested. He'll still dissapear for days. He'll still come over to my parents and harrass my mother for money and freak out if he doesn't get it. There's a reason my parents go on their boat so often or spend months in Palm Springs - it's to get away from my brother. Imagine, you have to escape from your own son because being around him is too unberable.
Then there is someone in my family, the person closest to me, who is an alcoholic because of all of this (and because it runs in my family, both sides apparently). The things I have gone through from age 10 to now... I can not even begin to describe what I have seen and experienced.
So those are reasons I could be angry...not only am I cursed to have horribly scarred and disabled feet but I get an alcoholic parent and drug-addicted mental-case brother too.
On top of that, I can't lose weight. Seems pretty trivial after everything i've just said, I know, but funnily enough I think this bugs me most of all. Because I SHOULD be thin. I SHOULD be perfect because of all the other shit in my life. I shouldn't have to struggle to lose weight. I shouldn't have to work out all the damn time in order to lose weight or constantly watch and monitor everything I put in my mouth. I shouldn't have stringy horrible hair and bad skin. I shouldn't feel tired and run down all the damn time. I shouldn't have undereye circles that are unconcealable. I should at least have something going for me.
And I do. I know I have a lot going for me, but it's not the things I want. I have money to buy clothes - but who cares when I am not thin enough to wear the things I want to. I can buy nice shoes, but what's the point when they sit on my shelf - they aren't art. I have a job that I don't hate, but what about all the dreams I had, knowing I should be doing something else.
I had dreamed of a life less ordinary, something far from mediocre to make up for all the shit I've had. But my life turned out to be very ordinary indeed. Maybe this is what angers me most of all. I'm 27 and I've got nothing.
Well, that's my rant. Please don't suggest I go to therapy, I have a counsellor that I have seen before and if I feel the need to go, I will. Please don't belittle me for my problems for I know they may seem minor to some and I know there is always someone worse off. And please don't think I'm ungrateful for the good things I have in my life because I know they are there. I just haven't been able to see them clearly lately.
Addendum: In order to start sorting myself out, I made a HUGE list of everything that is making me angry lately. Interestingly enough, my family only came up at the very end, as an afterthought, so while they may be making me angry subconciously, they aren't really factoring into my current rage state. And the more I think about it, my current rage state is tied a lot to ME: I am my own worst enemy and I really fucking need some self-esteem!
BTW for those who like pictures with your posts, here are two from awhile back. I like these shots because my clothes and my accesories are mirror images of each other: drapey, flowy, cozy.
Earrings: H&M; Cardigan & Fringe top: Forever 21; Necklace: ASOS
Dress: I forget, some designer type store in Rome; Drapey Cardigan and Scarf: Forever 21; Shoes: Steve Madden
Tunic: H&M, Necklace: Forever 21; Boots: ASOS; Bag: Mielie Bianco; Leggings: Aldo
