Not just a sweet Jack Johnson song, but something that applies to me very well.I have been just sitting, waiting and wishing lately and that is what has lead to my stagnant frame of mind.
I came to some pretty life-altering desicions today, things I have always known in the back of my head but what I have been unwilling to examine because I've been afraid of what it might mean.
But now that they have been uncovered, there is no going back.
Today I was asked a very simple question (or three): What do I want out of my life? What is my five-year plan? Where do I want to be in the future?
It took me awhile to come up with the answer. I had several attempts but the answers what weren't I wanted but what I thought I wanted. What I thought I had to wait for. What I thought would happen if the stars aligned, etc.
I've never believed in a five-year plan because over the last five years my life has changed so much, there was no way I could ever prepare for it.
But having a plan doesn't mean you can't or won't be open to change, because, let's face it, the plan WILL change. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a goal to work towards. And not just a short-term goal like getting fit or getting a job but your future in total.
Adult life begins at 26 (according to most Americans). Maybe it begins at 18. Maybe it starts at 30, I don't know. But what I do know is that I have to start planning for my future, for what I want to get out of my life. And I haven't been planning a thing, I've been unable to. Everything has been short-term because I haven't been able to look at the long-term.
Because the long-term has been completely dependent on other people* and not myself.
This is why I have been feeling stuck. This is why I feel like I have no control over my life because I have handed my control over to others and have essentially began to plan my life around them. Not the life I want but a life I am settling for. My dreams, my future, my goals for the years ahead are all dependent on everyone but me and this is such a slap in the face for someone who considers herself "independent."
Because I'm not.
I could be, but instead I am waiting for things to happen.
I am waiting for my life to start.
And all I have to do is start it myself.
I don't have to wait for other people to do this for me.
I know what I want from life. At least, I have ideas. I know that I won't be in Vancouver forever but I think I may be leaving sooner than I thought. I feel obligations to family, friends, boyfriends, my apartment, but in the end I know I must go and find out what else is out there. I have to do this for me because this is my life I am living and I am going to have to live with it if I make the mistake of waiting for something that might never come.
To put it in other ways, I feel a calling and a beckoning to travel and explore this world (yes, STILL) and find my place in it. Deep down I have known that this city is not the place to do it in. This is why I can't even commit to a pet, like a hamster, because I know I won't be here long. This is why when I am looking for jobs, I know in the back of mind that there is a good possibility I'll leave after a year or two. My long-term is not here, it is out there and I must start planning for that.
So what does this mean? Nothing too drastic.
Oh, except that I am going to start planning to move out of here next year. I'll lease out my apartment. I'll sell my car. And I'll take off, where I am going I have no freaking clue. Australia? Europe? Africa? Who knows?
In the meantime, in this year I have left, I am going to finish my schoolwork, I am going to get a job and make and save some money. I am going to continue to take classes in other areas to further my fields of expertise.
And if I stumble upon myself and my dream job in the process and decide to stay in Vancouver, then whatdyaknow! Good for me! Problem solved.
I just think that once you have a plan and you start working towards that plan, you gain control in your life.
And when you are finally in control of your life, everything else just falls into place**.
(I realize that this all seems very irrational and sudden but I can assure you, it's not. I have been thinking about this for a long time but just didn't want to accept it as something I really wanted because it would mean a great deal of risk and change. But I can't be afraid of those things. Life, in general, is a risk.)
*Just to clarify, other people is just what it means. There is not one person who contributes to this but many, most notably "parents."
**OK so I know a lot of you have told me this yourselves so it's not like I just came up with this, but hey, at least I agree now!
"To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. " ~William James
****
On a lighter and less life-changing note, I don't feel too sore today. Well, not a sore as I thought I would. My pecs are hurting, as are my arms and legs. But I can't be doing too badly since I went for a jog already.
OK, I didn't purposely go for a jog, but I decided to walk to my therapist's and when I realized I completely underestimated how long it would take (the walk involved taking a wee ferry to an island) I ended up running there in order to make it on time. Hmmm, maybe that's the motivation I need? Anyway, so while I wasn't too sore before...I sure am now.
But man, I feel good....
duh na na na na na na na....
I knew that I would.....
